Writer’s Journal

Writing on personal thoughts, feelings, and stories.

Living without answers

Writer's Journal

I don’t have the answers. I never will. Perhaps there are no answers. Perhaps that is what we are supposed to learn in life, if we are wise.

Those who treat leaving one’s former faith as shallowness, cowardice, or a desire to live lasciviously simply do not understand what it is like. They can only see that you “gave up.” They were not there to feel what it was like to be adrift with no rudder, no sails, and no anchor, having lost all that you thought was real, to be left hopelessly without answers.

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Edging Forward in Photo 111

Writer's Journal

Going into this shoot I had a solid idea of what I wanted for my composition. I had made sketches of my ideas and chose to merge two of them into a final image. Unlike with the group projects, I did think about the idea of having elements that extend outside of the frame to suggest that there is more to the scene. I thought of this when drawing the ideas for this assignment. (I consider this an improvement to my planning over what I have done previously.)

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Finding new peace in letting go

Writer's Journal

There is a newfound peace in letting go, being free inside once again. Once I was the prisoner to the unrequited affection I had to one I called my friend. Hard, so terribly hard, it was to accept that it was unbalanced, that I cared, and showed more care, than I received. The silence and neglect was unbearable, but the day came when I finally took my mother’s advice to release her, to accept that my friend she was no longer.

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An especially exhausting day

Writer's Journal

I am at that point today where I feel like I should just cry, and maybe that would be best. Today was exhausting and yet there are things I still need to work on for my classes so I don’t fall behind. I can’t help but feel like I just want to disconnect for a few hours and then go to bed.

Although some both fun and funny things happened today in the studio, the session went too long and was tiring. I didn’t sleep enough for my needs last night and the night prior, so I was tired once I arrived to school. When the studio session was over and everything put away, I felt like going home even though I still needed to make a silver gelatin print for a competition I am want to enter before the deadline on Wednesday.

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Thanks a lot

Writer's Journal

I am happy to say that I finished shooting for a photo competition I am entering. The clock is ticking and the deadline nearing, but I should be able to make my print for Ilford’s Lyrically Speaking student competition tomorrow. Then I will send my print off and wait to see what happens.

Despite my happiness, I do have one issue that is bugging me. I was going to work with someone who was going to model for me, and although she agreed to do it, she never followed up with me on locking in Monday after class as our shoot. Nor did she make any attempt to just show up knowing I wanted that time for shooting. (The thing to note is that she was the one who suggested working after class on either Monday or Tuesday.)

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Grateful for taking the less certain path

Writer's Journal

I am grateful to have instructors whom I both like and whom I feel comfortable approaching. It feels like I am becoming part of a small community rather than going to college. The experience is markedly different in how I feel about studying photography than when I was studying nursing prerequisites. I enjoyed many of my prerequisite classes, such as chemistry, English, statistics, and microbiology, but this is just different. I seldom feel like I am learning even though that is what I am doing every day. It is hard to say why, but it seems effortless in comparison to studying other topics even though effort is necessary in these classes.

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My private joy

Writer's Journal

I have been taking more walks these days. First it started as a way to cope, a return to a method of disconnecting from stress that I had relied on many a weekend when I lived in Monterey. Now it is seeming to become a meditative time I spend between classes or during long breaks.

Today, I took a walk to nowhere in particular, allowing myself to go wherever and through or around any building on campus. I encountered a fellow student I had not seen in while, who mouthed “Hi” and gave me a smile as we passed among others along a crosswalk. I listened to the sounds of people and cars for themselves. I meditated on the sensations of my feet, walking in the snow just to feel it crumble beneath them. I watched students board a bus as though it were the scene from a film. And I touched surfaces just to experience their texture.

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